G’day friends,
I hope today’s newsletter finds you well. I was humbled that so many of you read my first Substack newsletter two weeks ago. I’d like to apologize for the delay on my follow up, unfortunately as much I intended that this be a weekly newsletter, life, as it seems, often has other plans.
Last week I spent most of my time in and out of hospitals and specialist’s offices’ as I tried to get to the bottom of some health issues related to my gut. I’m doing alright, and time will tell how things will progress. All that said, I’ve decided that for my mind’s sake, I need to accept that at this moment… this is just how it is.
These events have brought me to this week’s contemplation. Whilst waiting around for a doctor to see me in the ER, I began to notice my thoughts. My thoughts begun to oscillate between “how long do I have to be here, work needs me” to “I could die right here, in the hallway of this UCLA emergency room”
It’s likely not uncommon to have this type of thinking if you’re stuck in the ER. However, over the course of four weeks as I’d routinely wake up at 1:45am each night, my thoughts would begin to spiral.
“The latest neuroscience research tells us that even one day of poor sleep affects your health in this way…”
“My colleagues are going to think I’m so useless..? “
“My classes will stink, i’ll have no energy, no one will come to them again”
…Self loathing, worry, anxiety, every feeling would wash through me just before 2am. I had been lost in a sea of my own delusion.
This meaning-making is something many of us experience in our lives, and usually, as it comes close to a significant life event. These events are what the Buddha called, second arrow.
The tale of the two arrows.
A teaching that gives me great comfort during times of grief and pain is the teachings on the Sallatha Sutta, otherwise known as The Arrow.
In one of his many discourses, the Buddha shared that as humans we experience physical, mental or emotional pain as if we were shot by an arrow. Whether that’s the ending of a relationship, the loss of a job or an encounter that is painful, perhaps even traumatic. The teaching says that we as humans know no other response than to resist the pain. We resist it in such a way that we create a story about the arrow in order to make sense of what has happened – but, ultimately, it’s simply a way for us to avoid feeling the pain of the arrow.
So we tell ourselves that we deserve to be broken up with, or we get angry at ourselves or the world because things aren’t going our way. All of this resistance adds to our suffering, because in creating a narrative around why we are in pain, we have shot ourselves with a second arrow. This second arrow is what hurts us the most. It is laced with our views about ourselves, our past experiences and conditioning. It leads to catastrophizing and worrying, and over time affects our mental health. All because we are avoiding the pain of the first arrow.
As humans, we are going to experience the inevitable ups and downs of life. We know we will at some point experience praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow. And yet, we still do everything we can to avoid sorrow. Our stories serve as a way for us to process our suffering, instead of simply being with the discomfort and hurt. Suffering is suffering – it is inevitable. If we don’t allow ourselves to feel the weight of our sadness, it permeates our life in unhelpful ways.
The Buddha says that to navigate challenges, losses and pain, we must begin by not avoiding the pain, sadness, guilt, anger and worry. We must experience the pain of the first arrow, sit with it, tend to it and feel compassion for it, and look at the nature of another impermanent phenomenon – without shooting ourselves with a second arrow. This involves realising that we can accept whatever is arising in our body and our experience, like a cloud drifting through the sky. It’s okay for this moment to suck, it’s ok for me to feel this right now… it’s part of being a human.
Invitation
This week, I invite you to be mindful of all the second arrows that you are shooting in your life. All the narratives and stories you are making about the uncomfortable experiences in your life.
Question
If you’re game, share with the community a story you’ve been lost in recently. Go on, I did it.
With peace and love, I take your online classes on Open, and honestly I felt something kinda heavy in your spirit. But you know what? I wasn't judging, personally, or feeling the class was any less of anything. I more felt like "wow, how beautiful it is to witness a teacher being human and showing up authentically, instead of masking, instead of portraying another unattainable representation of 'wellness' that many people will fruitlessly aim for and just drown in perfectionism and disappointment". The class is still wonderful by the way, whatever energy you show up with holds space for something new and that's magic. Hoping this health issue your working with is resolved soon! For me, I've been wrapped up in the loss of some friendships as I come closer to the truth of who I am. Although I know that cultivating self love, self respect and boundaries is for the greater good of my spirit, the people pleasing wanting to fit in with the group inner child part of me is resisting the new reality. I find myself getting lost in the story now and again whilst I find genuine resolve in my truth, bridge the gaps within myself and begin to gently reprogram this kid's conditioning. Big love Manoj, thank you for all you do for the community.
Thank you for your vulnerability, Manoj. Your words are exactly what I needed to hear right now. The synchronicity is real.
I was in your breathwork class earlier this month, and I shared out loud with everyone that I was dealing with gut health issues and that I had had some strong breakthroughs in your class - a call for courage and self-compassion. Never would’ve I have guessed that you were also going through something similar. It feels like a humble reminder of the human connection.
I also unfortunately tend to be a straight shooter of second arrows, specially when it comes to blaming myself when it comes to health issues. Thank you for the invitation to sit in the suffering and not resist.